Why Does Conservative Spoogebucket Kevin McCullough Want to Get Fucked by Perez Hilton and Michael Musto?:
Frankly, the Rude Pundit doesn't give a happy monkey fuck about Miss California's opinions on any goddamn thing. Or, really, those of Miss USA, Miss America, Miss Universe, or Miss Oblivion. Beauty pageants exist to tell us the obvious: that tits and legs are nice things. To take anything a contestant says to mean anything more than "Can we get this over with so everyone can stare at my tits again?" is to think that Miss USAmerica has a purpose beyond waving.
So, really, when Carrie Prejean said her ill-informed and backwards ass and semi-coherent statement about gay marriage in answer to a question from celebrity blogger (yeah, read that without giggling) Perez Hilton, it would of course be fodder for much bitchiness and jokes. It's sort of one of the reasons mean jokes get told: to make fun of idiots. And when it was revealed that she had fake tits paid for by the pageant? Oh, that's silicon-based gravy, motherfuckers.
But the backlash against the backlash that's happened? That's just demonstrable proof of the continuing desperation of the religious right to remain relevant as they rant into the darkness. First there was the embrace of Prejean by the anti-gay marriage forces and groups like the mantra-named NOM and the Family Research Council (motto: "Umm, Jesus? You still there?"). Then there was Prejean as blog and column subject.
And now we have Kevin McCullough, the repressed right-winger who gets to hang onto Christ's nut hair as he tries to eke out a career as a writer and radio host, the bottom, if you will, of conservative hate spewers. In his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "Deranged self-fluffing that would make a gay male porn star say, 'Whoa, you're gonna break it'"), McCullough essentially says that if Prejean were his sister, he'd fuck her.
No, wait, that's not right. He says, more or less, that if Prejean were his sister, he'd beat up Perez Hilton and Village Voice gossip monger Michael Musto for calling Prejean bad names. After telling us how he assaulted another boy in middle school for calling his sister a bitch, he adds, "[S]omeone like her brother needs to pay a visit to Perez Hilton and Village Voice columnist Michael Musto and remind them how men are expected to comport in society." Which, in most places, would be called "gay-bashing."
What follows is a vicious homophobic attack on the two men, with the hope that they're beaten mixed in with degrading, sexist rhetoric of straight male dominance. Surely, there has rarely been a more desperate cry for "More dicks in my face, please" ever uttered from deep within a closet. McCullough minces, "The fact that few men have had visceral reactions to this demonstrates how weak modern feminism has caused men to become." Or maybe it actually demonstrates how modern feminism has allowed women to be strong enough to defend themselves (with much work still to go, yes).
McCullough talks about how his mother raised him to treat women in a sexist, patronizing fashion, and then says, "In the anonymity of a television studio, or the safety of a bedroom webcam, Musto and Hilton feel they can rhetorically rape the heart and soul of Carrie Prejean. But friend, that's just pure evil." But denying an adult the right to marry the adult he or she wants to? Why, that's just abiding God's will, no?
Poor Kevin McCullough. One day, he'll realize that what he really wants is to be trapped between a cock and a hard place. Or, you know, Hilton and Musto.