Colmes Leaves Hannity (A Brief Fantasia In Play Form):
Setting: Sean Hannity's office at Fox "news" headquarters in the City of New York. The walls are decorated with signed photos of George W Bush, Bob Dole, John McCain, Sarah Palin, and other Republicans who have either lost election or their entire credibility. On a bookshelf bereft of any literature other than his books, there is a Ronald Reagan bobblehead. It was given to him as a joke. He does not get the joke. His desk has a blotter on it with one of Ann Coulter's used maxipads resting there.
Lights up: Sean Hannity, a man with a jaw that is seemingly steroidally huge and no visible neck, is fucking Alan Colmes, a thin man who looks as if he would shatter his face if he smiled, in the ass. The bored look on Colmes's face indicates to the audience that this is not the first time Hannity has reamed him. The date is Friday, November 21, 2008. The time is 8:45 p.m.
Colmes: You know, Sean, there's a point where my much-stretched asshole just swallows your little dick.
Hannity: (sweaty, with tears in his eyes) Oh, yeah, bitch, when's that?
Colmes: (not even grunting) Probably it happened sometime in September. But pretty much it was on November 4.
Hannity: (whimpering a bit) You're not gonna start that Obama-is-great shit again, are you? Now, tighten it up. We got a show to do in a few.
Colmes: I'm just saying. I think things are going to change around here.
Hannity: (pausing, pulling out, wiping his dick with Coulter's maxipad) What are you saying? (Yanks his pants up.) Alan? What?
Colmes: (standing, pulling up his pants) Maybe, with the way things are going in this country, it's time for me to pitch for a while.
(Long pause as Hannity stares at the other items on his desk. His CPAC letter opener with rhino horn handle, his Cheney memorial derringer, his razor blade that he uses to cut the cocaine that he snorts off Colmes's ass during commercial breaks.)
Hannity: (mumbling, a bit incoherent, to the audience) I could kill you if I wanted. Get Ailes to bury the pieces of the body. He's done it before.
Colmes: What was that?
Hannity: Nothing. (beat) You pitch? Fuck you. Now, make sure your ass is dry so I can do some coke.
Colmes: (not really able to muster much strength, but for him, this is titanic) Then...I'm gonna have to say good-bye. See you on-set.
Hannity: Pardon? (Colmes exits. In a priapic rage, Hannity trashes his office and demands that some Mexican lizard be made extinct to please him.)