Live Vodka-Bloggin' the President's News Conference:
It's been a little while for our wee little President, since the last press conference, and, oh, he's been a-travelin' and the economy's been a-plungin' and the war's been a-ragin'. So it's time to take the bottle of Chopin out of the freezer and get ready for this Rose Garden newser. (All quotes pretty much guaranteed to be fucked up.)
10:32: He's already trying to pimp slap Congress. Gas prices up, electricity rising, he's the problem solver, but those fuckers in Congress are such punk ass bitches. He wants Congress to slaughter lots of caribou and fuck up the wilderness so that at some point in a decade or so there might be some oil blowing out of there. Drink that milkshake, motherfucker.
10:33: We needs some nucular power, beeyotches. Congress wants to at least make pathetic little swipes at saving the world, and that makes them pussies, Bush says.
10:35: Congress, Congress, Congress. Dude, at what point did you stop being the big bad motherfucker who told everyone to lick your ball hair clean?
10:36: "Uhmerkans are concerned about keeping their homes...And I understand that." No, no, man, you don't. Student loans? Didn't Bush actually make it harder to get Pell Grants? Oh, that's right. Grants don't make interest for his banking cronies.
10:37: Oh, he's such a pissy little fuck. Jenna's eyes must be permanently damaged by all the rolling they've done over the years.
10:38: Jennifer Loven of AP is kind of hot. And she asks a logical question: now that gas is sky-high, how does your little bribe tax money thing make any effect?
10:39: ANWR again? He's fuckin' jonesing for more oil. Sounds like someone's angling for what he's gonna be doin' next year.
10:40: He just got asked something about output levels when he goes to Saudi Arabia. That's gotta be gay code for how much Crown Prince Abdullah will ejaculate on any proposals Bush might bring, laughing madly at the little President.
10:41: "We're transitionin' to a new era now...where we have cars running on batteries." And they might even get a magical 41 miles to the gallon. Oh, the miracles and wonders.
10:42: He says how he'll talk to the Saudis about how high prices "injure the world." Again, gay code for how much his anus will ache after the reaming he'll get for the pleasure of the Saudi royal family. "Look, the little President cries when the monkey shoves a banana in his ass. Ah-hahaha."
10:44: There's another bottle of vodka in the freezer. It's a Turkish brand, one that was a gift from a visiting UN staff member when she was over a few months ago. There's a joke about getting smoked like a hookah in there. But mostly it's an excuse to go get the other vodka.
10:45: Jim Axelrod is about to get shot down...
10:46: Yep, down he goes. Hey, Bush says the White House is concerned about all the shit he just talked about: gas prices, food prices, more. And otherwise, Axelrod can go fuck himself.
10:47: Aren't we at war? Anyone gonna ask about that?
10:48: ANWR reference number three. We can drill like we've never been able to drill before. Slant-drill technologies. "I'm hoping that when you say ANWR it means people don't care about rising gas prices," he says. And the Rude Pundit's hoping that when you say, "ANWR," you mean "that one tiny line we did not cross."
10:50: "I have analyzed the issue." That's the funniest fuckin' thing he's said so far.
10:51: Afghanistan? Well, at least we're talking about the war. "Prior to the liberation of the country...they didn't let little girls go to school," he says. He later adds, "I'm pleased with the number of roads that are built...and little girls in school." It's a new metric for success.
10:53: Wow, what a dick. He's scolding Martha Raddatz. For wanting to ask a follow-up. "We're facing people who are willing to strap bombs on themselves and walk into places where the innocent shop and kill themselves," he says, as if to ask him if we're "succeeding" has no business in polite company.
10:54: "We are in a global struggle against thugs and killers. We're in a long struggle against these jeee-hadists," he says, unironically adding, "We're dealing with a group of idealogues."
10:56: It is perhaps time to go from sipping the vodka to shooting it.
11:00: A reporter asks, "Are you frustrated with Congress?" Who's this whore? Bush responds, "I believe that they are letting the American people down." On FISA, he's fuckin' boondoggled, man, as to why anyone can't think the way he does. It's sweet, like watching a particularly sensitive autistic child smack his head repeatedly because his mother doesn't understand that when he slams his dick in a door, it means he needs a hug.
11:01: "It's a sour time," he says. No, shit, Sherlock? (It's an oldie, but a goodie.)
11:02: So fuckin' bored. He's sucking something out of his teeth, he's so tired of being there.
11:03: ANWR again. Sends a clear message to the markets. "The market's going to encourage conservation," he says. Which would seem to mean that lower consumption because of higher prices is a good thing. So confused.
11:04: Bush does not like Sheryl Lee Stolberg of the New York Times. "I don't think it's an accurate statement to say that drilling in ANWR will destroy the environment," he says, and he has quite the track record of being right about the environment.
11:06: About Jimmy Carter talking to Hamas: "Anybody can talk to who they want."
11:08: "I didn't talk to him"? Wait, wait, wait, he didn't talk to a former president who went on a peace mission to an area where the United States has huge strategic and security interests? Man, this fucker only cares about history when his name's at the top of the page.
11:11: He won't support anything in his supplemental that helps the veterans. Only on his time, motherfuckers.
11:12: Says he thinks McCain will be president. And acts like he said something really surprising.
11:13: "We are dealing with an ideological struggle that can only be solved with the spread of liberty," he says. And then he gets into the gut-wrenching possibility that the next president will say, "Fuck Bush's legacy" and end every fucked up thing he's done.
11:15: "Liberty is a gift from God," he says.
That's it. The Rude Pundit's out. Fuck this tedium. Fuck this passing blame. How about one goddamn mea culpa? One admission that something he might have done might just have made people feel like the nation is a double semi that just lost a wheel on a curved downhill road.
And one fuckin' reporter asking about the war? Man, it's a good thing we don't have to worry about that anymore.