Family Research Council: "Muslims and Gays Will Silence American Christians" (Part of the "Christ Weary" Series):
Sweet tender fucking mercies, the Rude Pundit's received his latest bunch of prayin' orders from the Family Research Council, and, Lordy, Lordy, oh, Lordy-Lord-Lord, is it a big ol' list. The Rude Pundit belongs to the FRC's Super-Duper Prayer Team, and once a week, we superprayifiers get our prayerification lists from FRC President Tony "No, Not the Gay One, Although These Days, Who Knows?" Perkins for all kinds o' shit we gotta be implorin' Jeeeezus about.
This week, we gotta give God the high, hard holler about America's Spiritual Health. See, it seems that 43% of Democrats and 41% of Republicans (and 13% of godless independents) believe that spirituality is at least a smidgen important to the national health. So we gotta, gotta pray, good people, and get that number bigger: "May America's churches grow in their fidelity to Christ and His Word. May they arise to disciple the multitude of Americans who profess faith. May God stir a great army of believers to live, pray, vote and exercise their rights and responsibilities as citizens to help bring a godly transformation of American culture." A goddamn godly army of godlovers. Glory Halle-fuckin'-lujah.
There's more, as there oughta be: "May America return wholeheartedly to God so that our homes, churches, schools, public agencies and other culture-shaping institutions can again labor together to keep us 'one nation under God,' lest, as President Reagan declared, we become a nation 'gone under.'" Man, we superprayifiers sure do love it when words like "lest" are put in the prayers; makes it sound motherfuckin' old school. And if dead Reagan said it, it's gotta be true.
Now, just in case you're all liberal and open-minded about what God we're talkin' about prayifyin' to, well, the FRC's got some clarification. See, the Muslims (shit, let's be polite - the radical Muslims, you know) are infiltratin' our Christ-lickin' America and usin' our secular-progressive heathenistic laws to take us over from the inside: "[I]f the United States does not face reality, Islamists will advance their quest for dominion even in the U.S., just as they have in Western Europe...The strategy in each free country has been the same: public relation campaigns, interfaith dialogues, visits to Christian pulpits to spread the message of Islam as a religion of peace, the establishment of Islamic organizations that preach moderation without but extremism within, gaining access and influence with high government officials, running for political office, building huge imposing mosques that dominate the landscape in strategically important locations, aggressively using anti-discrimination laws against groups and individuals...to intimidate those who would dare to criticize Islam, while privately and openly preaching hate against Christians, Jews and other 'infidels.'"
Oh, if you think interfaith dialogue is fuckin' nightmare, wait - there's more: "Proposed federal 'hate crimes' will create unconstitutional thought crimes, then evolve into 'hate speech' laws, the kind both Muslims and radical homosexuals have used to silence Christians elsewhere." Sheee-it. That's fuckin' scary. Muslims and homosexuals are gettin' together to stuff a cock and Koran down the throats of Jeeeezus lovers everywhere. And there's just not enough room in there for both.
So we got to pray, motherfuckers, pray hard and loud: "Pray that our leaders and rank and file Americans will awaken, study and understand the war being waged against us. May the Lord help us to distinguish between peace-hungry people from the Muslim nations and radical Islamists who are our enemies, sworn either to subject or destroy us and our children." May the Lord lead us away from harsh whippings of Sharia law and towards the merciful graces of the Bible.
Let us bow down to receive a good thrustin' of God's love.