What Rush Limbaugh Should Have Said About His Penis:
God, don't you just wish that Rush Limbaugh had had some hillbilly heroin flare up in his crazed brain today and he said, on the air:
"People, let me tell you about what you've heard about last night: all I can say is I wonder how Bob Dole's luggage got on my airplane? No, no, that's not true. See, I told my doctor I was worried about the next election. Get it? Election, not erection. It's because my cock can't get hard without freebasing Viagra and mainlining that shit directly into my limp dick. Then I can raise my mighty three-inch flag pole of love. Seriously, the oxycontin has completely destroyed my ability to get a hard on. My peter just lays there, like a dead guppy, sad, flaking, and ready to be eaten by the other fish.
"Yeah, my fellow Americans, after Daryn Kagan dumped me because, as she said, 'Sex with you is like getting smacked in the pussy repeatedly with a piece of overcooked macaroni,' well, a man has to do what a man has to do. And what I have to do is fly over to the Dominican Republic in my private plane, as a man of my means would do, and have my personal assistant round up five cheap hookers to come back to my room. Then, after watching them lick and dildo each other for about twenty minutes, after I shoot the Viagra/Cialis cocktail into my pecker to get my throbbing sea cucumber ready, I go kind of loony, and I choose one especially anorexic whore, tell the others to get the fuck out, and slice open her stomach and jack off into the gaping cavity, screaming about wanting to get back to my mother's pussy while I come. It's really the only way I can even think about ejaculating.
"Sure, sure, we have to dump the body over the Atlantic on the flight back to my palatial mansion in Palm Beach, but it's a small price to pay so that this fine Excellence in Broadcasting radio host can relieve some of the semen back up in his conservative balls. My friends, one of the great things about being a conservative in America is feeling as if even when you've blown your wad into the gut of a dead Dominican hooker, you don't feel even a little guilty."